My head is bleeding, the blood drains down my neck and is soacked up by my clothes. I try to open my eyes, but I just can't. I rest my head against the wall it had recently collided with, and thought of all the things that had brought me to this day. As the vomit pools on the floor around my mouth, all my feelings and memories pool like the vomit into a single scene.
I tried to tell them I didn't have the money, they didn't care. There was no reasoning with them, these men were hired to do a job, they didn't care who they had to hurt. Even then, I knew exactly how I was going to repay my debt. I tried to tell them my plan, all the minute details I had been perfecting for the past three weeks. Its easy to perfect somethi ng when you live in your mother's basement and don't have a job.
So, that was that, I had my final warning. If I didn't repay Mr. Caltattoni there was going to be trouble.
I woke up the next morning to my usual alarm clock, although I knew it wouldn't be a usual day. I walked up the stairs into my mother's living room and told her I loved her, and wouldn't be home for a while. She looked shocked, but I knew she was happy I was leaving the house.
I didn't pack anything, in face, I don't know how I would have transported it. I had no car, and carrying luggage on a bus is rather inconvenient. When I reached the bus stop I took the first bus to Norwich, and made a joke to the conductor about how bus prices are rising. She didn't laugh. To be honest, I don't blame her.
On the bus there was a small, gre haired woman next to me who I knew was non-threatening. To my right across the aisle, an old man was already asleep. I was excited as the first part of my plan had been executed successfully.
During the long bus journey, I read a book about sailing. It really wasn't interesting, and it didn't pass the time, but it made me look intelligent and it stopped people talking to me. I managed to get a few hours sleep. When I woke, people looked at me. I suppose I must have been snoring.
when we reached Norwich, I went to the nearest hotel. I had already checked if they had a room available, and they always had plenty. I ordered the least expensive room, and decided to try my luck with the clerk there. Why doesn't anyone ever laugh at my jokes?
i entered my new room and looked around. the bed's sheets were covered in month-old semen, and stuck the mattress. there was a table next to the bed with a lamp and a bible in the bottom drawer. The rest of the room was basic, the only prominent feature being a border on three of the four walls. I can only assume that the fourth wall's border had been removed for cleaning.
I couldn't get a lot of sleep on the bus, it turns out that grey haired woman don't appreciate you holding them like a cuddly toy, so I slept from early evening to late morning. I woke to a knock on the door, the maid wanted to pretend to clean my room. I looked and realised I hadn't had a chance to make a mess, so I thanked and dismissed her. I saw no need to unpack. Unpacking is boring.
I left the room and asked the front desk where the nearest zoo was. Front desks can't talk, so after approximately half an hour or fruitless one-way conversation, I asked the man behind the desk. He mumbled something from behind his dirty magazine, and I managed to gather that it was near here.
It took me about fifteen minutes walking and a short bus journey until I entered the front gates of the place that would fulfil my plan and hopefully end my money worries forever.
Today there was a display where penguins slid across ice and danced for fish. I wanted to go and heckle the penguins, but my quest lay elsewhere. I asked around and found that the pandas were kept in the east part of the zoo.
I took a deep breath as I realised the most important part of my plan was approaching. the hair on the back of my neck stood up straight, and I became breathless. It was all I could do not to shout at a man who accidentally hit me in the back with a football. who plays football at a zoo? I turned and saw that it was Eric Clapton. I tried to convince him to hit me in the back with a different type of ball, but he was uninterested. I thanked him and continued with my adventure.
I reached the eastern part of the zoo after about five minutes. i was distracted by two chimpanzees hurling mud and faeces at eachother. The zookeeper tried to explain to the children that this was a perfectly normal thing for chimpanzees to do. I laughed and continued on my way.
I finally found a large cage with reinforced steel bars and a guard at the door. I took out my pistol and shot the guard in the chest three times. He didn't have time to think. The weapon was, of course, silenced, and alerted no one. I hid the man's body and stole his clothes and key. This key was paramount to the success of the plan, for obvious reasons. I walked closer to the cage door, and slowly unlocked it, licking my lips. Four pandas strolled slowly out of their imitation habitat and tried to hug me. I leaned in to hug them back and attached a rope around each of their necks. I pulled them all to the bus stop. I still don't know how nobody saw me.
As i stood at the bus stop and tried to look inconspicuous, an old woman tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to look at her and smiled. She told me there were four pandas attached to by a rope to my arm, and after confirming my knowledge of this, she left me alone, I looked at my watch. Where is that bus?
After three full busses and a friendly man riding a goat, a valid form of transport finally came. There were six seats available, which suited us perfectly. there were only five of us, but one of the pandas was really fat.
I tried to tell the bus driver that pandas shouldn't pay bus fare, because they aren't human, but when he insisted, I gave him the money, albeit unhappily.
A few minutes and a few strange looks later (did I have something in my beard? I don't have a beard), me and the troupe of pandas reached our destination. Here I would train them, discipline them, and provide them with gear for the attack.
I had always thought a panda would make a great bank robber, not only because they are so sneaky, but because they already have a face mask. I knew they wouldn't be fast enough on foot, though, so I had some roller skates specially made.
No bank robbery is complete without a touch of style, so I also bought them top hats and bowties. this would be easy. Almost too easy.
I took my whip from my pocket (it was a folding whip) and began to whip the pandas, shouting orders. They looked at me in dismay, and obviously didn't understand, so I whipped them harder. One of the screamed, and at first I worried it would alert the occupants of the nearest room, but I realised, in a hotel as shabby as this, moans and screams were porbably not uncommon.
After six months of rigorous whipping and shouting, I had finally taught my pandas to roller skate, bow, clap, dance, and rob. Now all I needed was a suitable bank. I wondered how many people had noticed the dead guard or missing pandas. I hadn't checked the news, so obviously everything was fine.
Throughout the months of training I was thinking about my plan. Was it so perfect after all? How could it go wrong? I had never felt so nervous, except when I was a boxcar racer, and halfway through a race my cat appeared magically in my underpants, causing me to crash. Oh, if only to revisit those days, I would happily give up my future.
The only possible flaw in my plan was the speed and dexterity of the pandas. Although they are truly sneaky, I was afraid they would be too slow to pull off a heist as big as this. I fixed this by dipping each of them in a vat of grease before the big night. They didn't like it, but I knew they'd thank me later.
I packed all of the pandas into a recently purchased van, and drove to the nearest bank. On arrival I kicked them out, and drove them away. I could view the following events via a high-tech camera I had installed into one of their belly buttons.
Through the camera I saw a sorry sight. the pandas were falling over, and couldn't get up. They were struggling and it was all my fault. All the grease was making their roller skates slippery, and standing up was no longer an option. Instead, my hopes fell with the pandas onto the soggy ground, their top hats falling off, and their bowties beginning to suffocate them.
The manager of my targeted bank came outside, riding a white steed, and began to swear at the pandas. Curses, who swears at pandas? Haven't they been through enough? This man obviously hated pandas as much as I did, and my hate was irrational and purely cruel.
I didn't really mind him swearing, but when he kicked one of the pandas in the head that was the last straw. Though the sight of a panda in pain is often amusing, I had bonded with these pandas, and they were like brothers to me.
I was preparing to attack the bank manager, when two hired guns approached me. Sorry, thats two hired men holding guns. They asked me for Mr. Caltattoni's money. Couldn't they see I was busy?
Here I like, beaten senseless and near death by two men who knew what they did. I forgave them. I try to open my eyes, but I can't hold them open, so I close them for the final time.